NORAD Tracks Thanos’ Path of Global Destruction (and his occasional micro-vacations)

Well, Thanos -- the “Mad Titan” – is finally here. According to several news sources and the recovered body cams of fallen United Stated Marines, Thanos is waging his destructive “Infinity War” across our fledgling world to secure gem-like artifacts of immeasurable power.

The Avengers, with the combined might of a global military coalition, are trying desperately to mitigate Thanos’ advances and the terrifying, calamitous swell of human casualties.

With the help and support of NORAD – the North American Aerospace Defense Command – and a handful of brave men and women doing their damnedest to chronicle the second “official” invasion of Earth, we’re able to accurately track Thanos’ merciless march.

Where has he been? Where is he now? And what, exactly, is he actually doing?? According to NORAD’s up-to-date and real-time satellite tracking, we can now offer an airtight chronology regarding Thanos’ path of seemingly random – but actually strategically relevant -- destruction.

“Infinity War” Day One: Ground Zero

Once again, the great city of New York was the first casualty of a war waged by aggressive, pan-galactic super-beings hellbent on universal annihilation.

It started with the appearance of several giant “rings” appearing in the skies above New York. And from each ring poured a procession of devastating extra-terrestrial warships, troop-carriers, and, according to Doctor Stephen Strange – “ungodly beasts pulled from realms populated by the undying, collective nightmares of all living beings.” Good grief.

Spider-Man and a contingent of various super-people were spotted dangling from one such ring, but their whereabouts are currently unknown.

Our prayers are with you, Spider-Man.

“Infinity War” Day Two: Thanos Granted ‘The Garden State’ More Curbside Appeal

Yes, Thanos turned New Jersey into a crater, and one disheveled survivor told our correspondent that this was “a major improvement.” Oh, boy.

“Infinity War” Day Three: Doing Disney

Apparently, Thanos and three generals from his very-hard-to-look-at-without-retching “Black Order” spent the day at Disney World in Orlando, Florida. It seems Proxima Midnight was enamored with the “Affection Section” in Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Of course, she initially thought it was the “Infection Section” -- she was a little disappointed with the severe lack of deadly biological agents. However, after petting “brownie” the goat, she was right as rain.

“Infinity War” Day Four: Making NASA Pay for Its Transgressions

When one of Thanos’ inner circle – presumably the manipulative and well-informed Ebony Maw – told the purple Titan about NASA’s acquisition of Richard Rider’s distress signal, Thanos immediately directed his army to NASA’s Space Center in Houston, Texas.

It seems Captain Marvel successfully saved the establishment from the same biological artillery responsible for disintegrating New Jersey. Unfortunately, Houston is still on fire, and the city’s only viable export industry is smoking piles of gravel.

“Infinity War” Day Five: Santa Fe Involuntarily Hosts “The War of Nightmares”

According to Doctor Strange –who’s time spent educating our correspondents has been utterly invaluable – Thanos gained another of the aforementioned artifacts, specifically, the Reality Stone. Utilizing this device – this manipulator of fundamental physics – Thanos created segmented, multi-mouthed leviathans to prey on the citizens of Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Thor, the Scarlet Witch, and a giant, bipedal tree-creature continually screaming “GROOT" managed to defeat the forty-eight massive leviathans, but not before 98% of the city’s residents were paralyzed, dissolved into lumpy, mint-green paste, and nibbled upon by countless mouths.

“Infinity War” Day Six: Arizona Renames The Grand Canyon “The Grand Fire Pit”

Because it’s on fire. Because Thanos packed the canyon with most of Arizona and bombarded it, from afar, with sentient, biological laser canons. Right, the giant serpent-like cannons that shriek while vomiting self-generated laser barrages.

“Infinity War” Day Seven: California Finally Loses to the Pacific Ocean, and the World Loses The Avengers

Ladies and gentlemen – humanity has lost.

As of 3:30 am this morning, Thanos, seven incalculably large (and flying) worm creatures, and a contingent of Outrider warships descended on California. As of 3:31 am, Thanos -- mounting one such worm-creature -- aimed a golden, bejeweled Gauntlet directly at California. The result? California collapsed into the Pacific Ocean.

I REPEAT: California collapsed into the Pacific Ocean.

And, along with California, the very last contingent of valiant Avengers who attempted a tide-turning, eleventh-hour victory.

Allow me to clarify: The Avengers are dead, and all hope is lost.

We’ll continue to track Thanos’ whereabouts as long as NORAD has active satellites and living, breathing personnel. Unfortunately, morale here is low, and all but one of my camera men resemble slugs sporting business casual attire. Ladies and gentlemen, is this finally…. the end?